WordPress sent me a year in review.
It told me that in this past year, my first year blogging, I have had readers from 28 different countries. That is incredible. Thank you guys.
Ending off this year, I am in the mountains of Colorado.
An apropos way to end off my year. In 2015, I have been to Israel, California, Utah, Arizona, Nevada, and now Colorado. (NH, NY,MA, NJ, CT, and ME don’t count)
I hope 2016 takes me across the ocean a bit more. But I am extremely grateful for all the traveling I have been able to do in this past year.
I also had a lot of new experiences. I finished my seminary year. I was a head counselor in a camp. I went on a road trip. I got my first real job.
I met a lot of new people. I liked some.
I learnt a lot of new things. About myself. About others. About the things we all do.
I hurt. I cried. I lost a grandfather. But I also laughed. I sang. I danced.
I prayed. My g-d, have I prayed.
I searched in the wrong places and the right places.
I found in the wrong places and the right places.
I lay awake many a night. I slept like a rock too.
I have been filled with fear, and pride. Mostly fear. Sometimes pride.
My year was wildly different, month to month.
But I’m in Colorado.
Colorado and its mountains have taught me lessons.
To not be afraid. Even though I am. But to try harder at not being afraid.
To trust myself.
I learnt something magical – I don’t want to change myself. I just want to learn how to love who I am. To trust that person to take me through life the way I want to go.
I am getting there.
But there are so many tears left to be shed.
So many lonely days to be spent until I find the one who will make it a little less lonely.
I want to be complete on my own, but how can you love when you have no room in your heart for anyone else?
I want a strong heart, with plenty of room to love others.
I have grown in the past year. I have learnt. I have found. I have connected.
I have fought. I have cut down. I have hurled harsh words.
I haven’t been perfect. I’ll never be perfect. I’ll keep measuring myself against the impossible stick of perfection, but I’ll try to keep reminding myself that the stick doesn’t deserve a place in my life.
I will go into the next year chasing my dreams, trying to be happy, finding my place in this wild world.
I will drink hot chocolate and eat my vegetables, I will look up and stop looking down, I will love harder and hug longer.
I will write. I will ignore that angry voice in my head that tells me time and time again to keep my words to myself, to stop shoving it in peoples faces.
But I will. I will keep shoving it in your face, because my words are my life, and if they are not as eloquent and dainty as I would like, it is because they are like me. Elegant and dainty are not words that describe me.
They are angry and passionate, overthought and struggling, tear filled and joy filled, wondering and thoughtful.
What a year it has been.
I can hardly wait for the next one.