When I wrote this, probably a month and a half ago, I knew I was overthinking. So I wrote about overthinking. So I overthought posting it.
Now I’m just forcing myself to post it, even though I KNOW I’m going to regret this so much.
I’ll overthink the whole thing a thousand times, because in perfect description of me as a human, I am an over thinker.
I am so very lonely.
I am lonely because I live in a world of thoughtless creatures.
Thoughtless meaning non-over-thinkers.
Am I over thinking this?
Of course I am.
I over think everything.
There is never a moment that something is not being analyzed in my brain.
My lack of ability to make small talk is a direct result of this.
There is nothing I can think of to ask that I can’t figure out by observation.
I am an observer and an analyst. I am not a conversationalist.
When meeting a new person, I usually go straight for the complicated stuff.
Or I don’t talk at all.
But don’t mistake that for my lack of interest or desire to know you.
I am simply figuring you out by thinking through each of your actions and reading the waves you send out without even knowing.
One day I’ll find the courage to force myself through some small talk so that we can be friends. More often than not, we will become friends through a series of conversations that are way beyond the level of our friendship.
That’s just the way I work.
Is there anyone else out there who works the same way?
I am lonely, for I seem to live amongst those who travel a road the complete opposite direction.
I am lonely, because I find myself apologizing for and explaining away my sensitivities.
My sensitivity is what writes my blog. It’s what scrapes off the outer layer of everything in the world and gives me things to write about. Things to think about. It makes my world more beautiful and meaningful.
It’s also the source of all my dislikes in the world. It’s what causes me the most aggravation, tears, heartbreak and deep rooted sadness.
I am constantly seen as the bad guy, but mostly because I am so alone.
When it is 10-1, 1 is usually wrong.
So I accept that everyone feels angry towards me for expressing myself, and I lay myself down, and I cry.
I cry, for I am lonely.
I desperately seek someone familiar, someone who won’t punish me for my thoughts.
Someone who will know how to accept me, tears and all.
Someone who will be okay with the fact that I see the world without its protective layers, and that most times, that sight hurts me.
And I accept that to most, my sensitivity is a flaw. I work on putting up my guard before others put down theirs in order to have my defenses.
I know that most people prefer the world with all of its layers, a safer place with less tears and less anger.
I respect that and I try to be a part of that world sometimes.
But I’m lonely inside, I’m lonely because I can’t find that person who wants to be sensitive and over-thinking with me.
I can’t find the person who I won’t have to change myself for in order to please.
I’m still young, but my thoughts are ten years ahead of me.
I’ve cried many a night, and I will cry many more.
I’m lonely for the one who will walk my road with me.